Ross's Written Work
Also Featured on EzineArticles.com, SelfGrowth.com and Articlesbase.com
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The "dance" of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.
When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.
Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.
The codependent's fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.
All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.
Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.
No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.
__________________________________________________________________________________
GUILT
__________________________________________________________________________________
CHOICES
(Two days before our Friday December 2008 wedding, Korrel (now my wife) ate at a Chinese restaurant, where she received a fortune cookie that read: "A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you." The next day, on Thursday, she went out for Chinese again and her fortune cookie read: “The coming Friday will be an exciting time for you." Was this a coincidence or was a specific message brought by the Universe to my lovely bride-to-be?
The fortune cookie story doesn’t end here. The other night I shared my career ambitions, goals, and dreams for my life with my wife. I explained why I believe I have been blessed with a wife and son who I adore, a wonderful family, great friends, and a successful career. I explained to Korrel that I have achieved such riches because of my growing capacity to love, commitment to personal growth, dedication to my career, belief in my dreams, and most importantly, my ability to make the right choices at the right time. An hour after that discussion, at a Chinese restaurant, my fortune cookie read, “Life is a series of choices, today yours are good ones." I knew then, I had to write something).
CHOICES
I believe a successful life comes from the right choices at the right time, as well as the willingness to pursue the goals inherent in these choices. Robert Frost nailed the “choices” challenge in his poem The Road Less Traveled. In this poem, he saw the value of ending up at a “crossroads” in life.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could”
At this crossroad, we face two distinctly different paths, which have two equally distinct different outcomes. Perhaps, at this crossroad, we are brought to the biggest choice of our life: in which direction do we proceed? Do we take the path that is more familiar to us, the one that we can navigate in the dark—with our eyes closed; or do we take the path that is unknown, frightening, and strewn with obstacles and unpredictable outcomes.
The familiar path offers predictability and safety, but only a limited version of "success." However, the “road less traveled” is risky in nature, but has the possibility of ultimately changing your life. When you travel down the road less traveled, there is no turning back; life is forever changed and you can never return to the old life of safety and predictability. This risky path is where choices manifest into dreams, and dreams manifest into reality.
“Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I took the one less traveled by.
And that has made all the difference."
Paul Coelho, the author of “The Alchemist,” believes that we all have the ability to achieve our “personal legend,” which is the best possible version of ourselves: the person of our dreams. Mr. Coelho believes by pursuing your personal legend you have then chosen “the path God has chosen for you here on Earth.” It is a path toward the life you believe in, goals that you have chosen, and dreams that you know belong to you. Through difficult choices, a commitment to moral and ethical principals, the courage to see mistakes or bad outcomes as gifts, and the humility to not lose yourself in moments of success, one can achieve their “personal legend.”
Similar to taking the “road less traveled,” achieving one’s personal legend may come at a cost. Life consists of a series of “mini crossroads,” where good choices, despite one’s best intentions, can result in failure and disappointment. For those of us who are pursuing our personal legend, we know that life’s loftiest and most heartfelt goals can sometimes end in failure and disappointment; but still we persevere. By dedicating ourselves to the pursuit of our very best version of ourselves, we are able to transform our moments of disappointment, disillusionment, or embarrassment, into achieved goals and dreams.
The words of Robert Frost and Paul Coelho have inspired me to understand that because life is truly a series of choices, we can achieve our dreams. We all come into this imperfect world, in imperfect families, and as imperfect versions of ourselves. All of us have our stories of dysfunctional families, economic hardships, medical limitations, self esteem challenges, etc. God intended us to all be able, through conscious choices, to grow and develop into something special. Without committing to a path less traveled or path toward our personal legend, we live our life, at best, in mediocrity: never quite knowing how far we could have progressed, who we could have become, and what effect on the world we could have made.
It is through a series of choices and the perseverance to pursue the goals inherent in these choices that we achieve our God given potential. Choices bring us to dreams.
Ross Rosenberg
3/7/09
__________________________________________________________________________________________
ADHD: An Overview
Although it has taken quite some time for our society to accept ADHD as a bonafide mental health and/or medical disorder, in actuality it is a problem that has been noted in modern literature for at least 200 years. As early as 1798, ADHD was first described in the medical literature by Dr. Alexander Crichton, who referred to it as “Mental Restlessness.” A fairy tale of an apparent ADHD youth, “The Story of Fidgety Philip," was written in 1845 by Dr. Heinrich Hoffman. In 1922, ADHD was recognized as Post Encephalitic Behavior Disorder. In 1937 it was discovered that stimulants helped control hyperactivity in children. In 1957 methylphenidate (Ritalin), became commercially available to treat hyperactive children.
The formal and accepted mental health/behavioral diagnosis of ADHD is relatively recent. In the early 1960s, ADHD was referred to as “Minimal Brain Dysfunction.” In 1968, the disorder became known as “Hyperkinetic Reaction of Childhood.” At this point, emphasis was placed more on the hyperactivity than inattention symptoms. In 1980, the diagnosis was changed to “ADD--Attention Deficit Disorder, with or without Hyperactivity,” which placed equal emphasis on hyperactivity and inattention. By 1987, the disorder was renamed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and was subdivided into four categories (see below). Since then, ADHD has been considered a medical disorder that results in behavioral problems.
Currently, ADHD is defined by the DSM IV-TR (the accepted diagnostic manual) as one disorder which is subdivided into four categories:
1. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Type (previously known as ADD) is marked by impaired attention and concentration.
2. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Hyperactive, Impulsive Type (formerly known as ADHD) is marked by hyperactivity without inattentiveness.
3. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Combined Type (the most common type) involves all the symptoms: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
4. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. This category is for the ADHD disorders that include prominent symptoms of inattention or hyperactivity-impulsivity, but do not meet the DSM IV-TR criteria for a diagnosis.
THE FULLARTICLE
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Domestic Violence Is Not Only About Physical Abuse
Generally speaking, these aggressive/abusive partners flourish in relationships in which they are given the power to control a person. To maintain power and control in their relationships, they need to be in relationships with individuals who typically have poor boundaries, low self esteem and who have little to no self confidence (a sense of no personal power). Similarly, codependent or co-addictive individuals fall within the abusive partner's "radar," especially when they are an addict.
To retain power and control in the relationship, the abusive partner has to control the relationship in order to create an environment of fear, insecurity, and perceived powerlessness. Consequently, a complicated dynamic of domination and submission is created; one in which power and control is perpetuated by physical, emotional, and/or verbal abuse, or the fear of the recurrence of such abuse.
Being afraid, not feeling like you have the power to stop the abuse, and secretly believing they couldn't find anyone better (being brainwashed), the victim partner believes they are powerless and therefore, trapped in a perpetual cycle of emotional, verbal, and/or physical violence. The cycle is maintained by frequent episodes of abuse which ultimately "brainwash" the victim partner in believing that they do not have any recourse (or resources) to stop the abuse. The cumulative effects of the cycle of abuse create further feelings of powerlessness, which further immobilizes the victim partner.
Contrary to what most people think, the most common mode of maintaining power and control is not through the use of physical violence. Most abuse is either done emotionally or verbally. Most victims of both physical and emotional/verbal abuse attest that the verbal/emotional wounds are deeper, hurt more, and take longer to heal.
The following list illustrates the tactics that the abusive partner uses to exert power of their victim partner that does not include physical violence.
1. Intimidation 2. Emotional abuse 3. Blaming, denying, and minimization 4. Financial control 5. Isolation 6. Turning their children and/or friends against them 7. Coercion and threats
The victim partner keeps "tied" into the abusive relationship due to their lack of experience and knowledge with relationships based upon mutuality, respect, and fairness. Often, the victim comes from a family in which they either experienced harm or neglect as children or witnessed harm or neglect to one of their parents. Often one or both of their parents were either an abuser or a victim of domestic violence. Therefore, the victim partner gravitates toward what is familiar, or unconsciously reminiscent of what they experienced as children. Although strange and paradoxical: what feels familiar is also seemingly safe.
Individuals, who are assertive or aggressive, bold, and/or edgy, seem to be the partners that the victim partner finds as "attractive." Although this prospective "attractive" partner seems safe, there are lurking red flags that are, at this point invisible. Likewise, the aggressive person is unconsciously attracted to a kind, forgiving, accommodating, and understanding individual, who they unconsciously recognize as someone they can control and who won't leave them when there abusive side emerges.
The relationships between these two types of people often start off with a bang: high levels of attraction/infatuation, poor boundaries, and intense and frequent sexual activity. Unfortunately, after the "chemistry" wears off, the unconscious elements come to the surface. The abuser establishes domination and the victim feels trapped and consequently falls prey to a role of passivity, fear, and powerlessness.
The saddest part of this relationship dynamic is that the victim partner unwillingly and unknowingly repeats the same patterns of their parents and their parents-parents-- all of whom incorrectly believed love and commitment supersedes respect, fairness, mutuality, and most of all, safety. "Love" is maintained at any cost.
There is help out there for the victims of domestic violence. Therapists like me offer a way out. For further information:http://www.helpguide.org
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Is Sexual Addiction Real?
According to Benoit Denizet-Lewis (2), "Believers in a sex-addiction diagnosis point out that for many years, doctors and psychiatrists similarly dismissed alcoholism, refusing to accept that it was a serious problem in itself, not merely a symptom of something else." Many of practitioners in the sexual addiction field are hopeful that the DSM V, which is due out in 2012, will include expanded diagnostic choices for process addictions, including sex, gambling, spending, eating, and/or religion addictions. According to Elizabeth Hartney, "a working group of professionals has recently suggested diagnostic criteria which may be considered for the next edition of the manual, due to be published in 2012."
According to John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (3) "What is both amazing and a little disturbing, however, is to see entire professional societies, such as the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, spring up around a disorder that isn't even officially recognized as such. And despite no clinical agreed-upon criteria for sex addiction, the Society estimates that 3 to 5% of Americans have it." According to the Mayo clinic, sex addiction is estimated to affect 3 to 6 percent of adults in the United States.
Because sex is a part of normal human functioning, it is difficult and at times a scientific challenge to compare sexual addictions to chemical addictions. Both "normal" or pathological (addictive) sexual patters are open to diverse and often controversial definitions. Clearly, factors such as personality, psychopathology, gender differences, sexual preferences, cultural differences, socio-economic status, and other "filters" have made a clear consensus for a definition of sexual addiction that much more challenging. Making matters even more complicated is the fact that topic of sexual deviance and/or sexual pathology remains as one of the most taboo topic in our society. Individuals with a sexual addiction are often the subject of ridicule and harsh judgment, whereas others suffering from drug/alcohol or other more accepted process addictions, ie gambling, spending, elicit more social acceptance.
Another ironic twist is that the co-founder Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, was considered a sex addict. According to biographers and Alcohol Anonymous historians, Bill Wilson not only was an alcoholic, but was also a sex addict. Wilson was flirtatious, had multiple affairs, and according to biographer, Susan Cheever (4), "had an inability to regulate his behavior with women" and was "often accused of groping and unwelcome fondling," However, he was married to the same woman for 53 years.
Until sex addiction is formally included in the DSM V, we currently derive a "diagnosis" through assessments protocols specifically designed for this addiction. Such protocols are provided by specially trained qualified mental health practitioners. Clinicians, such as myself, utilize uniquely designed instruments that are designed to collect relevant information necessary for a diagnostic conclusion. Information collected during the assessment includes: sexual history, drug/alcohol history, psychosocial assessment, mental health history, and other relevant information. Additionally, an assessment involves interviews with the client, affected partners, i.e. spouse or partner, and if possible, mental health providers who have or who are providing services to person being evaluated.
According to data collected by Patrick Carnes, many sex addicts also have other addictions. For example, in Carnes' research, of the individuals who were diagnosed with a sex addiction, 42% were chemically dependent, 38% had an eating disorder, 28% were compulsive workers (workaholics), 26% were compulsive spenders, and 5% were compulsive gamblers. Ruling out cross addictions is an important component of the assessment. Because of the high prevalence of cross addictions, the sex addiction evaluator must have a background in the general field of addictions.
When a cross addiction is present, it is important to identify which addiction requires attention first. This is crucial when it is determined that the sex addict is also addicted to a drug/alcohol. In these cases, detoxification (detoxing) of the drug may require medical services in order to ensure that the client physical health is not compromised. The experience of physical withdrawals can potentially create medical risks.
As many practitioners and sex addicts know, that despite a formal recognition of this disorder, it is indeed very real. Lets the intellectuals battle out what is and what is not a diagnosis. In the meantime, lets provide the much needed services to those who are suffering from this disorder.
(1) (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/30/is-sexual-addiction-real/)
(2) www.americaanonymous.com
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Signs of Sexual Addiction (Based Upon Patrick Carnes' Work)
__________________________________________________________________________________
HEAVEN
Seven years ago I was asked by a friend if I was "religious and if I believed in God?" As a (formerly) practicing agnostic I quickly answered:"no." However, I defended myself by explaining that I lived my life according to universal principals of "right and wrong" (as I understood them). Because I believed that our deeds create a lasting effect on the world, I felt confident in my everlasting future. In other words, I wasn't worried about there being a heaven or not. I told my friend that when I die, I am banking on knowing that my impact on the world will be ever lasting. My "heaven" will ultimately be the creation of the the sum total of all my actions.
I will never forget my friend's response: he looked at me with glassy eyes, and told me how deeply spiritual I was. I didn't see it. It took five more years to see what he meant. Such was the inspiration of the following poem I wrote.
Heaven
The pebble is worn smooth
Made small over time
A product of a cataclysmic force of nature
A fragment of mountainous sheets of rock
An accidental offspring of a boulder
But just a very small stone.
The pebble's place in our world
Is neither understood nor appreciated
But when thrown into a glassy calm pond
Its insignificance is transformed
Its meaning and purpose is unleashed.
The instant the pebble kisses the pond
Its signature of concentric ripples
Spiral outwards
Moving far beyond itself.
Gently affecting everything in its wake
Forever altering the smooth placid surface.
The pebble creates its worth and meaning
By unleashing its unimagined power
Into a dueling force of action and reaction
Creating karmic energy
Producing lasting and fluid impressions.
Aren't we all pebbles?
Feeling small and insignificant
But ultimately recognizing
That who we are meant to be
Can never be measured in isolation
on a path into ourselves.
It is true then:
Our everlasting future
Is created by the indiscriminate tossing of pebbles
Into the pond of life
Creating ripples
that leave unique mark on our world
Not because of thoughts
not because of well meaning plans
But because of actions.
Our life's prayers our answered
Because even the smallest pebble
No matter how seemingly insignificant
Changes the course of the lives
Of those we touch.
And when the icy winds of death
beckon our lasting attention
We will gently leave this life
With the knowledge that
because of that one pebble
The world will never be the same.
And then we have heaven …
Ross Rosenberg
8/18/03
__________________________________________________________________________________
TRANSFORMATIONS
I am a coarse stone.
Yearning to be touched
Dreaming of being smooth
rounded and glassy.
I am a colorless piece of rubble.
Wanting to be held and caressed.
Desiring to become
a cherished part
of a beloved rock collection.
I am a sharp edged rock.
Isolated and alone.
Needing to no longer be a tool
Used to cut and divide
a person from his own heart.
Today is the day
I allow myself to toss,
turn and tumble.
To be kicked around.
Stomped into the earth.
And dug up again.
With the endless cycle of seasons
I am weathered by
Autumn’s blustery winds
Winter’s freezing blizzards
Spring’s drenching rains
And summer’s blanching sun.
After what seems like a lifetime
I find myself resting in a dry river bed.
To eventually be carefully chosen
by a boastful youth,
Who sublimely skips me
across the river’s tranquil
but rippled surface.
Now I am carried down stream.
Merging into larger waterways
Toward a tumultuous
raging white water river.
Violently crashing
grinding
into unforgiving boulders.
Losing necessary parts of myself.
Pushed lower and lower
Submerged deep
At the bottom of the river,
where I remain dormant
for years that stretch
toward no apparent endpoint.
With a torrential downpour
And hurricane-like winds,
I am moved from my murky
muddy and silted home,
to be wildly churned in stormy waters
With a tremendous gust and
and a consequent wave,
I am cast shoreward
To be perfectly placed on a path
where a wandering dreamy child
explores the river bank
seeking his perfect jewel of a stone.
And during a magnificent
bright summer day,
the shining rays of the afternoon sun
strike me so perfectly
that my surface explodes with
eye-catching glimmering sparkles.
Capturing the attention
Of this adventurous
and seeking child.
Who after exploring the riverbank.
Stops, notices, stares,
and picks me up.
With the excitement of a discovery,
The boy carefully examines
my glassy translucent surface,
Marvels at my rainbow colors,
Caresses my smooth contours.
And with a burst of pride
places me in his shirt pocket.
to be forever close to his heart.
Ross Rosenberg
4/23/06
__________________________________________________________________________________
THIS OLD TREE
This Old Tree
The old oak tree
stands tall
and crooked.
Its cracked,
coarse and
weathered surface
reflects the assault of the seasons.
Rain,
heat and snow
of seasons past
grated at its surface
with diamond sharp teeth,
digging in,
leaving permanent marks.
In defiance,
the tree stretches,
grows
and moves skyward.
Its roots
reach around rocky obstacles,
firmly anchoring itself to the earth,
exerting strength and desire,
forcing its viability
to grow into yet another season.
With roots
dug deeply
into uninviting
rocky
and inhospitable soil,
the tree forcefully establishes its home.
And the tree proclaims:
"I am a tree
I am from the earth.
Neither floods,
storms,
nor drought
will tear me away
from where my roots cling.
I remain where I belong
The earth is my home."
Ross Rosenberg
4/11/04
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE END GREETS THE BEGINNING
The Fist clenched balled tight
Waving high in the sky
Like a tattered flag of war
Firmly declaring the message of hard fought freedom
The Arm stretched higher than its length
Wanting to go even higher
But held back by its physical limitations
Desiring to support the rage of its neighbor hand
The Body tense with anxious exhilaration
Energized by the wave of spontaneous emotion
Reacting – wanting to release
Neither knowing nor understanding the electric energy
The Mind, racing with scenes of the past
Remembering the torrent of pain
Memories frozen in time – razor sharp
Unable to understand but finally able to feel
The Heart embattled and tired
Once protected by walls made of carefully controlled rage
Cracking, crumbling, disintegrating under its own volition
Heralding the light to pass through
The Soul, confused and bewildered
Like the newborn’s terror at birth
Interpreting the beginning as the end of safety
But all the willing to open his eyes and greet what lies ahead
Ross Rosenberg
9/22/97
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
WAITING
Breathe slowly,
Relax and keep your feet on the ground
The excitement is just a part of fantasy:
A patient longing for love
A dream that wants to be real
Will the elusive butterfly of my dream
flutter down and rest on my shoulder.
Or will it fly gracefully free
To where happiness lies for itself
Remaining motionless,
I gaze at this winged harbinger of love
And hope...
that my shoulder becomes the resting place --
for its hopeful and weary heart.
And only then
will we both enjoy
A lifetime of cool breezy summers
Ross Rosenberg
6/17/03
Arlington Heights / Buffalo Grove
3325 N. Arlington Heights Rd, Suite 400B Arlington Heights, IL 60004 (847) 749-0514 ext 12 ClinicalCareConsultants@gmail.com | Serving Northern Illinois
Arlington Heights, Buffalo Grove, Long Grove, Wheeling, Lincolnshire, Kildeer, Inverness, Barrington, Palatine and Prospect Heights www.ClinicalCareConsultants.com |
Arlington Heights, Barrington, Buffalo Grove,
Inverness, Kildeer, Lincolnshire, Long Grove,
Mt. Prospect, Palatine, Prospect Heights & Wheeling
HOME BIO EXPERIENCE TESTIMONIALS PHOTOS LINKS BLOGS & TRAININGS CONTACT
Clinical Care Consultants
Arlington Heights and Buffalo Grove IL
Where Care, Compassion and Expertise Come Together